18 Oct 2007
So 17th of October will be “remembered” as the day when I understood.
I understood the pain of being on top of the situation, the pain of sacrifice. Sometimes you simply need to sacrifice yourself, your dreams, your needs. Never your ideals though, never your conscience! You need to sacrifice for the people you care for, in their best interest. You might end up doing it for people you don’t care for as well. You will hate yourself for not understanding why, but you will love yourself for doing it… if you do it.
Otilia was my main story. The abortion was just the context to put all her actions and reactions together. This girl has such a raw perspective of reality, of what it is needed, of what it is not needed.. so harsh, so bloody even.. that you only give her your hand and tell her “I know!..” and sigh along with her.
I won’t give details about the movie, because I would want as many people to see it. I don’t see it as the “coolest” movie to go to, and I’m not even going to say it is the best one - it is simply not the point. I don’t think that Cristian Mungiu&Co. wanted that - I think they targeted reality and not a reality-show. One does not grow inside, does not develop by looking at reality-shows, by looking inside other peoples lives without understanding the reasons behind it. One grows as a human being by facing reality. 4-3-2 makes us grow by looking at a very small and powerful reality of one teen day during Romanian communism.
3000 lei - during those times it was so much!!! Yet she is treating that money like a mean of getting what you want - she puts them in the back-pocket, she then throws them in the bag as just another thing to put in the bag. She is so cold when she gets the room at the other hotel.. so.. on top of the situation. She goes to talk to the guy, she tries to mediate the money-talk, she does what is obviously the only thing to do when money are lacking, she starts talking with her boyfriend about their situation, she is the one that doesn’t say anything over dinner at the birthday party, she is the one that is ending it all.
And in the end, she is mesmerized at the fact that.. she made it so easy for Găbiţa. She made it so easy that her friend doesn’t even realize the sacrifice. While the experience is traumatizing, there is not even a glimpse of regret or gratitude.. only a simple “Thanks” and a worthless defensive talk with the one that sacrificed so much.
I cannot even tell you how much I identified with her - not because I have made huge sacrifices or such. I made mine, with or without a strong will, with or without expecting something in return.. It’s not that. It was her power to keep shut and continue what she knew is best in a situation where she didn’t have the answers.
How much she had to endure.. the strive to make it happen - both energy and physical involvement, the useless embarrassment at the birthday party, the visuals she had to see, the loneliness she had to go through, the fucked up feeling of seeing others’ stupidity.
She did not expect anything in return after all this. She did it for her own soul-conscience and for her own sake. So that she knows afterwards that she did everything humanly possible.
She was already grown up in the start of the movie, but she was blown away by how much she grew up during these few days. She gave so much, and received nothing but dirt.
*We seldom realize the sacrifice that others do for us. We often realize the sacrifice we do for others and expect things in return. We like to peak through the door’s keyhole, but we never put the hand on the door handle and enter. We say “Auch!” for the smallest pain, almost unnoticeable pain, while others break their teeth by how much they keep their mouth shut while they suffer. We forgot to be real in pain, and also in joy. We open up so much, that we invent situations/feelings/thoughts just so we keep open, and we close ourselves so much that we rarely put ourselves out there - for our own good at least, if not for somebody else. Am I wrong?